Best of Hoop Mom: Jealousy

In her ninth column for HoopGurlz.com, Teresa Wippel tackles the issue of jealousy between teammates.

We're writing about jealousy and the problems it causes among teammates and how it affects the team. A teammate is jealous of another’s skill and is resentful of the amount of playing time she is getting in comparison. So she is quietly stirring up trouble within the team and is making slanderous comments about the teammate to kids back at school. It’s to a point where there is so much dissension that the girls don’t play together “as a team” and because it hasn’t been resolved, it’s now creating tension among the parents. Is this an age thing that will pass upon maturity, or can we do something about it? This might be happening on other teams, and for those of us it’s happening to, we would like to know how to deal with jealousy and resentment and learn coping skills for ourselves and for children in situations like this in the future. Thank you.

Hoop Mom Fan

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Dear Hoop Mom Fan:

I’ve had several conversations with parents of athletes about the jealousy problem, and it seems this type of situation is more common among girls. That’s probably because girls in general place such a high value on relationships and emotional connections – and it’s inevitable that such feelings carry over to the basketball court. Boys, on the other hand, usually are able to set bad feelings aside during athletic competition or not take the situation personally once the game has ended.

It’s unfortunate that the player who feels resentful is causing trouble, but I think you also need to look at who is setting the tone for this behavior. Parents can reinforce a young athlete’s bad feelings by responding to a daughter’s complaint about lack of playing time, for example, with something like the following: “ I don’t know why the coach isn’t playing you more. You are a better shooter than Mary.”

The good news is, like many other lessons taught in sports (playing fair, respecting your opponent, losing gracefully), this scenario offers a great learning opportunity for young athletes.

Kids need to understand the value of working as a team and appreciating the talents that every teammate brings to the basketball court – regardless of how much they play or how many points they score. The reality of select sports is that as a rule, not every player has equal playing time. This is especially true when an important game is on the line – I know that as a parent, I expect our coaches to play to win, and that may mean that certain players get the most game minutes in a close contest.

The coach should play an essential role in reinforcing with his or her players – and the players’ parents – that each girl individually is valuable but that what’s best for the team as a whole always comes first. When a girl is disrupting the team in the way that you’ve described, the coach must take corrective action. He or she must make it clear to both the player and her parents that such negativity won’t be tolerated and may result in reduced playing time or other consequences.

Next, you need to restore camaraderie and spirit so that your players start to enjoy playing together. I recommend that the coach and parents schedule some team bonding activities that allow the girls to have fun away from the basketball court. Plan a team movie night or a slumber party on a non-basketball weekend where the girls can relax. One fun event that our team did a few months ago was to visit the climbing wall at a nearby recreation equipment store. Not only did the girls learn about taking risks and got practice cheering each other on, they participated in something that gave them a good workout but had nothing to do with basketball. Continue to schedule these events every two or three months so that the girls feel connected. These renewed good feelings should also rub off on the parents and make those weekend sitting in the bleachers much more enjoyable!

Hoop Mom

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Teresa Wippel is team manager of the Warriors Basketball Club, a 5th Grade girls' team from the Seattle area, and mom to Warriors post player Amanda Waldron. In her other life, she is a freelance writer and editor. To ask Teresa a question, email her at

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