Hoop Mom: Parent Coach

Teresa helps a parent determine whether it's time to stop coaching his daughter.

I’ve been coaching my daughter since she was 7 years old. I have always enjoyed our time together on the basketball court, but lately she seems to resent every suggestion I make and appears embarrassed to be around me (she’s 12). How do you know if it’s time to stop coaching your child?

Wondering Dad

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Dear Dad:

Congratulations for your years of volunteer service as a coach. Youth sports wouldn’t survive for long if parents stopped coaching their kids. However, by the time a child is 12 years old, it may be time to break the parent-child coaching bond, for several reasons:

• First, no matter how hard they try, parents can’t be totally objective about their kids’ skills. They often either play favorites by giving their children the lion’s share of the playing time, or they underplay their own kids and/or are overly critical, to avoid the appearance of being biased.
• Second, kids get to a point where they don’t listen to their own parents any more. (This isn’t a surprise to any parent of a teen, is it?) How many of us have seen a perfectly good suggestion ignored by our children, only to find that the same point is greeted with enthusiasm when coming from a friend’s parent, a teacher or (non-parent) coach.
• Third, children need a taste of real world coaching to prepare them for the realities of high school and college competition. No more guessing or hoping or assuming that you will make the team or have a starting role because you are the coach’s kid. You have to earn your spot based on your skills, work ethic and passion for the game.
• Fourth, parent coaches sometimes find that they short-change their own children when they are coaching a team of 9 or 10, and wish they could spend more time giving individual attention to their own child – or just enjoying the game. Think about whether you would enjoy sitting back and watching from the stands for a change.

As a parent coach, you can address many of these concerns if you have assistant coaches who can work with your child, to avoid conflicts of interest, personalities and hormones. But be honest with yourself that as long as you serve in a coaching capacity, there are bound to be occasional conflicts, bad feelings and compromises that may interfere with your parent-child relationship. It’s up to you to weigh the positives and negatives and make a decision that is best for both of you.

Hoop Mom

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Teresa Wippel is team manager of the Warriors Basketball Club, a 6th Grade girls' team from the Seattle area, and mom to Warriors post player Amanda Waldron. In her other life, she is a freelance writer and editor. To ask Teresa a question, email her at

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